What IS it about corona virus that makes people crazy for cock on a cake?! Is quaran-peen a thing?! We're totally baffled over how these cakes have becum so popular over the past few months. I'm dicking around in the bakery every.darn.day.
When I made our very first willy cake a few years ago, we sold a couple every so often for hen dos. But through lockdown, we surprisingly sold a lot more of them and not just for hen dos, as those were few and far between. Noooo, these were for birthdays, break ups and weirdly, no known reason at all. I really don’t get it.
Plenty of Pricks in the Sea
I’ve been making so much cock cake that the bakery looks like a prosthetic peen factory.
One Monday morning I made six of them at once, and had passers by doing double takes, either in hysterics, or thoroughly mortified. I don’t know which bit gets them the most - me smoothing the fondant skin over the sausage-shaped cake pop mix, shaping the icing foreskin over the bell end, painting the pubes on the balls, or drizzling white chocolate ganache man juice over the top.
It’s a funny little money maker and a very awkward niche I’ve carved out for us. It’s also one of those things I’m pretty sure maa and paa wouldn’t be too proud about. But hey, we’re livin’ la co-vida loca, and need to make as much dick dough as possible whilst we can. And if I can have a laugh through it all, I think I may even have the best job in the world.
We started getting bespoke enquiries for custom cock cakes. Whilst I have a no-bespoke-enquiries boundary set, I couldn’t refuse some of them because they made me split my sides LOLLING just reading them. Not only do we get colour requests and measurements of length and girth sent in, we also get requests for “Extra wet”, “curved”, and my personal favourite..."Make it floppy". Make.It.Floppy. Couldn't make it up.
I’m going to politely decline being sent dick pics (no matter how lovely the customer). If there's a request for a very specific feature, I'd rather google it than be sent photos of customers' weiners.
The cock cakes are funny for sure, but the messages that come along with them are just as hilarious.
The only snag is that...I know we risk losing followers, and maybe even some customers, whenever I post about them on Instagram. It gets hard not to post about them when it's all the content on some days. The dismembered cake penises make me look like Lorena Bobbitt, and decorating them with creamy white ganache looks like literal cake porn. Hence I get why some are put off and bounce - it IS gross.
I thought I must’ve been one of the few with the most depraved and juvenile sense of humour, but turns out, the 48k strong following I have on Instagram find phalluses just as funny. It’s also one of the few cake designs that actually sells through Instagram whenever I post about it! So between losing a bunch of prudes or making bank with ball batter, I'll choose the latter.
Great British Jack Off Cake - If you don't know what the 'soggy biscuit' game is, don't google it. I did and I regret it.
My only good guess for the popularity of these weird AF willy cakes is that...they’re silly and make people laugh. It definitely gets a strong reaction, and we all could do with a bit more perking up these days.
Lots of love,
ps: I giggled the whole way through writing this post.
pps: Mum, Dad and MIL, sorrryyy