1. Don’t make it yourself
Move away from the oven. It will take ten times longer than you think, and look nothing like that cake you saw on Instagram. You’ll spend a fortune on getting loads of different ingredients, gizmos and gadgets even, that you'll use once. You’ll be the only person that thinks it looks good because only you will know the sweat and hard work that went into it (literally) and we all know that saying, "a face only a mother could love". And all your guests might think it’s dry, and won’t tell you to your face, but don't worry, you'll get your own back one day.
2. Supermarket cakes aren’t super
If you have to buy a supermarket cake, ignore point 1 and make it yourself. At least this way you’ll know what’s going inside of it and it hasn’t been sitting in a box on the shelf for a year. They are pumped with ingredients I can’t spell or pronounce, and often taste of...well, nothing. I'll admit I used to have a soft spot for Colin the Caterpillar, but I'd choose a home-made freshly-baked box mix cake over it anyday.
3. Fruit cake is for geriatrics
We're not age-ists here. We want all our beloved OAPs to have the best birthday cake ever because birthdays get more precious on that end of the spectrum. But some traditions suck. This one sucks the worst. I don't understand why old folk like it so much either? If I was wearing dentures, I can't imagine chomping chewy fruit cake being particularly enjoyable. Fruit cakes are old before you even buy it. Dense, heavy, sickly...these aren't adjectives you'd associate with a delicious cake, would you? But they all apply to fruit cakes...so I'll leave you to join the dots and advise eating a dish sponge instead. Much easier on dentures.
One of my favourite OAPs (my MIL) with her custom number birthday cake
4. Personalise it with their name
Otherwise, it looks like it’s from a supermarket, which as per point 2, super sucks. We go the extra-personal mile and hand-write every single chocolate message. In my super serif cursive font, no less.
5. Don’t buy it yourself
Don't be a mug. Get someone else to buy it for you. Free cake tastes way better than cake you’ve bought yourself. Or made yourself. Or from the supermarket.
6. Photo cakes are the most cringe, un-trendy, ugly cakes ever
No one likes them, unless you are a narcissist. Even if you were Jennifer Lopez's twin, that cake would still ming. Besides, do you really want to cut into your own face? Don’t trust any cake maker that makes them - they do not have your best interests at heart.
Not to beat my own horn, but this is my blog, and I can...so I will - A great birthday cake comes from Anges de Sucre. We are fun and the best in London and so are our cakes. And here is the proof.
I hope you do not take this too seriously. If you do take offence, then please email your complaints to firstname.lastname@example.org.