If you're easily offended, please don't be! It’s just cake! So here it is —

What makes the BEST birthday cake?

1. Don’t make it yourself

Step away from the oven. Truly. It’ll take ten times longer than you imagine and look nothing like the masterpiece you spotted on Instagram. You’ll spend a small fortune on ingredients and contraptions you'll only ever use once. You’ll be the only person who thinks it looks good because only you will know the sweat (literal), tears (also literal), and elbow grease that went into it. And yes, your guests will probably think it’s dry…they just won’t say it to your face.

2. Supermarket cakes aren’t super

If you’re about to buy a supermarket cake, ignore point 1 and just bake your own. At least you’ll know what’s gone into it, and it won’t have been lurking on a shelf for a year. They’re often packed with ingredients I can neither spell nor confidently pronounce, and taste of…not much. I used to have a soft spot for Colin the Caterpillar, but honestly? A freshly baked box-mix cake wins every time.

Oh Gerry…

But look, I’ll own my hypocrisy. I LOVE a good fake bake — using supermarket sponge as a base and decorating it until it looks bakery-level brilliant. If you want to embrace that life unapologetically, you’ll enjoy our little world of fake bakes too.

3. Fruit cake is for boomers

We aren’t ageist — our beloved boomers, OAPs and geriatric gentry deserve fabulous birthday cakes. But some traditions should be retired, and fruit cake is top of that list. Dense, heavy, chewy, and oddly medicinal…none of these are compliments. If I had dentures, fruit cake would not be my snack of choice. Honestly, a dish sponge might be kinder on the teeth.

One of my favourite OAPs (my MIL) with her custom number birthday cake.

4. Personalise it with their name

If it doesn’t have a name on it, it risks looking supermarket-adjacent — and as we’ve established, that super sucks. We hand-write every chocolate message in my very extra serif-cursive style because details matter.

5. Don’t buy it yourself

Do not be a mug. Cake tastes at least 47% better when someone else buys it for you. This is a scientific fact (probably). But whatever you do, don’t try to blag a freebie like an influencer — absolutely not.

6. Photo cakes are the most cringe, un-trendy, ugly cakes ever

Speaking of cringe… No one likes a photo cake unless they are a raging narcissist. Even if you were Jennifer Lopez’s long-lost twin, a photo cake still wouldn’t be cute. And do you really want to slice into your own face?

Bless her heart — J.Lo’s 40th birthday cake from her film crew. I’m not convinced they actually liked her (I love you Jen!).

Instead of a cringe photo cake, choose a personalised caricature cake. Same face, far less ego.

Not to toot my own horn (except I absolutely will — this is my blog), but a great birthday cake comes from Anges de Sucre. We’re fun, fabulous, and we make the best birthday cakes in London. Here’s the proof.

If you do take offence, please email all complaints to zerofox@angesdesucre.com.

Love, Reshmi xoxo

If you're planning ahead for your own celebration, have a peek at our gorgeous birthday cakes — they never disappoint.