There have been many crimes committed against cake. I'm going to create this handy hall of shame for all as a valuable resource. Consider it my contribution in the fight against cake crime.
This is a working list and the ranking will be from top (least worst) to bottom (the worst of the worst). This is based on 100% scientific evidence* and presented via thorough research in my post graduate dissertation titled, Cake Criminology, for my PhD in Cake Sciences qualification.
Do not be a cake-cheug and fall into one of these has-been traps that should never have been.
Edible Flower Cakes
I'm confused. Is it a salad? Or is it a cake? One major plus side of this is that having petals and stems stuck in teeth is better than spinach. And the added fibre. That is a definite plus.
Fault Line Cakes
You mean, you work so hard at decorating a cake from scratch...to make it look like it's broken?! Make it make sense please.
"I have a great idea! Let's cut out bits of delicious, and delightfully light and moist cake...and replace it with tooth-cracking solid lumps of crystallised sugar!"...said no one ever.
Except someone actually did. And hence the birth of the Geode Cake. My fave Love Island meme sums it up perfectly.
Whoever invented this cake has actively caused violence towards ALL cake makers across the world. All that mixing, all that washing up, SO MANY TINS and bowls and spatulas for just the one cake. No, I don't hate rainbows (I'm not a psychopath!). Yes sure, cutting into a rainbow cake is an absolute joy, but if it was never invented, then people would never know what they were missing and us cakers would be spared from the immense washing up.
AKA, the most miserly of cake portions. Cupcakes are pure misery. They're literally trolling us going...Hey, here's a teeny taste of the greatness that is cake - you could've had more in an actual slice, but sometimes you have to sit with your life choices and ponder about why you made them. Which thankfully won't be long anyway because it's over in 1.5 bites. The best thing about cupcakes is when you put them on top of a cake - check out our Cupcakes Cakes.
The less offensive sister of Geode cakes. Pointless, but at least not at the expense of actual cake. A meme temps, it's made to look like unidentifiable fluid, as opposed to Geode 'gems'. So may very well be more offensive to some.
The only cake that could possibly be regarded as the best AND worst 'trend' ever. Relatively new on the scene, and for all bakers' sake I hope it doesn't get to Geode heights. Meta Cakes. Ie cake on a cake on a cake. The best bits? The cutesy wutesy itty-bitty micro mini 2" cake. The worst bits? The cutesy wutesy itty-bitty micro mini 2" cake.
Red Velvet Cake
Red is NOT a flavour. And the only time I ever gnawed on a velvet rope, it was rather tasteless and the texture was furry and fibrousy. So where does Red Velvet cake get its inspo from anyway?!
Oh dear, this hot mess of a topic always gets us in hot water (the comments section of this blog post is LIT). For the uninitiated, a cake smash is a party or a photo shoot set up by parents of new borns to take pics of a baby smashing up a cake. Baby is possibly eating some of it, most definitely smearing it everywhere. The babies, super cute! The smooshed up cake? Not so much. Also, what happens at the party after the cake? Is baby being passed around for cuddles and kisses? I'll pass, toodles!
Hope you will join us in fighting these heinous crimes against cake and make the world a better place. Drop your thoughts into comments if you think we've missed out on any, or if you think any don't belong in the list - we love to agree to disagree. It's just Cake!
*obviously not. Don't sue me.