There have been many crimes committed against cake. I’ve decided to gather them here in one tidy hall of shame — a public service, really — for anyone who feels called to join the fight against confectionary wrongdoing.

This is a working list, arranged from “mild offence” at the top to “send them straight to cake jail” at the bottom. All rankings are based on 100% scientific evidence* from my entirely real and definitely peer-reviewed postgraduate dissertation in Cake Criminology for my PhD in Cake Sciences.

Please, for the love of sponge, do not be a cake-cheug. Avoid these retired trends that should never have been trends at all.

Edible Flower Cakes

I remain confused. Is it a cake…or a salad with delusions of grandeur? Yes, it’s marginally better to have petals stuck between your teeth than spinach, and sure, you get a bit of roughage — but no one ever looked at a celebration cake and whispered, “Needs more fibre.”

Fault Line Cakes

You spend hours smoothing buttercream to perfection…only to deliberately make it look cracked? I beg your pardon. Make it make sense. At least our Jammie Dodger Fault Line Cake proves the style can be rescued with a bit of charm — but as a trend? Locked firmly in the vault.

Geode Cakes

“Let’s scoop out lovely soft sponge…and replace it with sugar rocks capable of chipping a molar!” said absolutely no sane baker ever. And yet someone did. Hence, the Geode Cake. My favourite Love Island meme sums it up better than I ever could.

Rainbow Cakes

Whoever invented the rainbow cake owes every baker an apology. So many bowls, so many spatulas, so many tins. Yes, cutting into a rainbow cake is glorious — but if the trend had never been born, none of us would be scrubbing food colouring off our elbows at midnight.

Cupcakes

The most miserly portion of cake ever devised. A cupcake is basically whispering, “Here’s a thimbleful of joy — next time, make better choices.” They’re over in 1.5 bites. Their finest moment is when they appear on top of a proper cake, like our cupcake-topped bakes, masquerading as something more generous.

Isomalt Cakes

The softer-spoken sibling of the Geode Cake. Still pointless, but at least it doesn’t involve removing sponge to make space for sugar shards. It’s often styled to look like mysterious liquids, which some might argue is worse.

Meta Cakes

The best and worst trend simultaneously: cake on a cake on a cake. A nesting doll of sugar. The tiny 2-inch topper is adorable…and also infuriating. A faff to make, a joy to look at, and an existential crisis to cut.

Red Velvet Cake

Red is not a flavour. I’ve gnawed on a velvet rope before (don’t ask) — zero flavour, slightly furry, mildly traumatising. And yet Red Velvet cakes continue to thrive. Who decided cocoa-tinted scarlet sponge was the hill we’d all die on?

Cake Smash

This one always gets people riled up (the comments on this post are still chaos). A baby smearing cake everywhere is cute…until you realise that cake is now in every crevice of a very cuddly, very pass-the-baby-around household. I’ll politely decline the post-smash snuggles.

Join me in fighting these culinary misdemeanours so the world can be a safer, sweeter place for cake. Let me know if I’ve missed any crimes — I fully support spirited disagreements. It’s just cake, after all.

*obviously not. Please don’t sue me.

Love, Reshmi xoxo

If you prefer your celebrations crime-free, our proper cakes are freshly baked, full of joy, and delivered with zero nonsense — just the way cake should be.