There are Victoria sponge cakes. And then there are Victoria sponge cakes that require a trip to B&Q.
This one was two metres long, weighed more than 22kg and was built to run almost the entire length of a conference table at Beaverbrook.
And before we could even think about baking it, we needed something suitable to support the beast.
First: build a cake board. Obviously.
There is, disappointingly, no convenient online shop selling two-metre cake drums. So we went to B&Q and bought two long pieces of plywood, one slightly smaller than the other.
We then covered both planks in food-safe contact paper with a pale marble finish because it's pretty. Then we glued the smaller board centrally underneath the larger one. Why you ask? Or maybe you didn't ask, but I'll tell you anyway. You see, the smaller board underneath served two very important purposes.
Firstly, a cake weighing more than 22kg on a two-metre-long board is exactly the sort of thing that can make plywood decide it would quite like to bend. The second layer reinforced the main board and helped keep it rigid enough so that the cake wasn't going to crack or warp when moved.
Secondly, it raised the whole thing slightly off the table, leaving enough room underneath for actual human fingers. When you're trying to lift and position 22kg of cake, being able to get your hands underneath it suddenly becomes quite important.
And yes, we covered the bottom piece of plywood in marble contact paper too, despite the fact that practically nobody would ever see it. Why? Because I would know. I prefer to have things properly finished.
Then came quite a lot of cake
The sponge itself was our cult-classic Hero sponge recipe, baked ahead at the bakery in multiple 9"x12" rectangle cake tins.
Trying to bake a single two-metre sponge would have required an oven more commonly associated with aircraft manufacturing, so the sensible approach was to create the cake in sections and assemble the entire thing on site.
And of course, alongside that came 7kg of Swiss meringue buttercream.
Seven. Kilograms. Of. Buttercream.
There is something slightly alarming about seeing that quantity of buttercream together in one giant bowl.
Then came the fruit - strawberries, blackberries, blueberries. A lot of them. An unholy amount of fresh fruit that resulted in one of those bills that makes you cry a bit.
Everything had to be transported separately to Beaverbrook because a finished two-metre cake isn't exactly something you casually slide into the boot of a Nissan Qashqai. We could have used our driver's van - the transport wasn't going to be the roadblock. We just have the little operational problem of not physically having the bench space large enough to decorate a two metre long cake, let alone clearance to move the fully assembled cake out of the bakery.
Assembly at Beaverbrook
Once on site, the fun began!
The bottom layer of sponge sections were positioned along the custom board. I spread jam liberally across all the cakey surface. Then I piped dollops of Swiss meringue buttercream all along and across the sponges to cover the full surface. Then the top sponge layers were placed above the rows of piped buttercream and the dollop piping began all over again (my RSI was well and truly triggered by now).
The whole cake was finished as one continuous piece so that the seems effectively disappeared under the buttercream. We then placed the strawberries, blackberries and blueberries along with sprigs of fresh rosemary all over the top and around the bottom edge.
The fruit was deliberately abundant rather than arranged into neat little repeating patterns. We wanted it to feel generous, whimsical and slightly wild. And finally, the berries were given a light glaze spray to keep everything glossy and looking tickety boo for the event.
From beginning the on-site assembly to placing the final berries took a couple of hours.
And then at the end, massaging my poor hands, I stood back and realised the cake was taller than...me.
Meanwhile, at Beaverbrook…
Rather brilliantly, this happened during the same week that Tom Holland and Zendaya held their wedding celebrations at Beaverbrook.
Before anybody gets excited: no, sadly this was not Tom and Zendaya's wedding cake. Although frankly, it would have been perfect for Spiderman and MJ.
The rise of the table runner cake
What I loved most about this cake was that it wasn't like a conventional celebration cake. Normally, a cake for 150 people would've been a towering stack of tiers. Statuesque, but maybe also intimidating. But this table runner cake was like a guest itself, placed amongst all the other guests. Not just a cake. A cake AND a dramatic table centrepiece. The MVP, aka Most Valuable Patiserrie.
It still had all the things that make a proper Victoria sponge brilliant. Soft and fluffy vanilla sponge, tart jam, ridiculous quantities of buttercream and fresh berries. Just taken to a ridiculous scale.
Which, to be fair, is usually where I am happiest.
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